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User blog:PixieLil/The Clawless Crab of Notre Cave (a parody)
Today, I am proud to present to you, yet another addition to my collection of weird/random/crazy parodies. The Clawless Crab of Notre Cave If you haven't seen The Hunchback of Notre Dame, prepare to be horribly confused. If you have seen it, prepare to be horribly confused! Am I confusing you yet? Good! I'll add the next chapter as soon as I get at least 3 comments, and I'll try to update it at least twice a week after that. Oh, and if you want to be in this, comment below! Now, without further ado, let us begin the story. The Clawless Crab of Notre Cave A parody by Gariwalt Disney PixieLil Chapter 1: The Stones of Notre-cave, or, Herbert Frollbear is a Big Fat Herbert: I get the feeling someone has just insulted me... Herbie, you aren't in this scene! Herbert: Grr! Epic music plays The island of Club Penguin is shown and the camera pans down on what appears to be a festival of some sort, where a penguin wearing a shirt that says ''"Less music, more explosions" is putting on a puppet show'' Pixie: Hello, and welcome! uhh, this is terribly embarrassing, but I seem to have misplaced my script... oh here it is! Today's show is about a cute nerdy guy who quits his day job, and travels with a bunch of weird companions, to the mythical city of Atlantis! Darwin: BOOOO! Zelda: SCREW ATLANTIS, WE WANNA HEAR ABOUT THE CLAWLESS CRAB!! Pixie: That story is overrated. Zelda: TELL IT! Or die... *holds up a knife* Pixie: Okay, okay, no need to resort to senseless murder... *clears throat* Morning in CP, the island awakes, ' To that sound from Herbie's cave, The fisherman fishes, cake lovers eat cake, To the sound from Notre Cave, From a crash as loud as the thunder, To the little thumps as soft as puffles, And some say the soul of the island is, The trolls of the game, The inhabitants of Notre Cave! Darwin: Finally, a decent storyteller who actually knows what we want to hear. Zelda: I guess I don't get to make artwork with her guts now... ''*puts knife away* Grace: I've heard this one a million times! Pixie: Oh God, these kids are insane. Uh, I mean, So many colors of sound (sound has colors?), so many changing moods, Because you know, I don't even want to be here today Darwin: You don't? Pixie: No, stupid boy. Up there, high, high in Herbert's tower, lives the mysterious pop singer Who is this creature? Zelda: Who? Pixie: What is he? Grace: What? Pixie: How did he come to be there? Zelda: BECAUSE, HERBIE LOCKE-- *Pixie duct tapes Zelda's mouth shut* Pixie: Hush, and Pixie will tell you, It is a tale, a tale of a crab and a monster. Dark was the night when our tale was begun On the dock near Notre Cave! Flashback time!! A trio of vikings is wandering around at the Dock after a shipwreck that killed more than half of their crew Viking #1: Where are we? Viking #2: I have a baaaad feeling about this place.... Viking #3: We need to find shelter, and fast!! A loud clicking can be heard coming from the bundle that Viking #3 is carrying Viking #1: Shut it up, will you! Viking #2: Uh, guys... Viking #3: Hush, little one. Viking #2: Guys...... Viking #1: If I had known that thing would be so much trouble, I wouldn't have allowed you to bring it with you! Viking #3: You guys are jerks! Pixie: Three frightened vikings argued loudly near The stones of Notre Cave Viking #1: You owe me forty bucks for getting y'all here safely. Viking #3: SAFELY?! WE FING CRASHED ON THIS FING ISLAND! Viking #2: Seriously guys, shut up before someone hears you! Pixie: But a trap had been laid for the vikings, And they gazed up in fear and alarm At a figure whose clutches Were iron as much as the frying pan! Viking #1: PAY UP, NOW! Viking #2: Shhhhhh! A shadowy figure appears behind the vikings Figure: ''Hell''o there! Viking #2: Judge Herbert Frollbear! Pixie: '''He came from Notre Cave! Judge Herbert P. Frollbear longed to purge the world, of vikings and singing. And he saw corruption everywhere, except within. Frollbear: Bring these filthy vikings to my chamber of JB! Viking #3: NOOO, NOT THE CHAMBER OF JB!!! The vikings attempt to flee, only to be caught by a bunch oh Herbert's minions Minion: You there, what are you hiding? Viking #3: *holds the bundle behind her back* Nothing, heh heh... Frollbear: Stolen goods, no doubt. Take them from her. Pixie: She ran from them, racing for the one place Frollbear could not go, the EPF Command Room. Viking: OPEN THE FING DOOR! HERBERT IS GOING TO KILL ME! * Herbert appears behind the viking and pushes her to the ground, she hits her head and dies*. (Wow, I guess that helmet she was wearing was just for show, huh?) Herbert: What is this? *Opens the bundle, revealing a young crab who is missing one of it's claws and a bag full of white powder* Herbert: A baby? And illegal drugs....Grr Herbert advances towards a conveniently placed well, with the intention of destroying the crack A PSA agent catches Herbert in the act Agent: Stop! Herbert: This is an unholy demon. I'm sending it back to hell, where it belongs. Agent: See there the innocent blood you have spilt On the steps of the PSA's headquarters? Herbert: If you're talking about that viking, it's not my fault her helmet didn't do it's job. Agent: Now you would add this child's blood to your guilt, On the steps of PSA headquarters? Herbert: What the hell are you talking about? I had no intention of killing the crab! I was going to dispose of this foul substance *holds up the bag of crack* and keep the crab as my minion! Agent: You can lie to yourself and your minions, You can claim that you haven't a fault, But you never can run from, Nor hide what you've done from the eyes, The very eyes of the PSA! Pixie: And not for the first time in his life, of power and control, Frollbear felt a twinge of confusion, For he had no idea what the hell this penguin was talking about. Agent: Now, as punishment for the murder of an innocent viking, and for possessing illegal drugs, I sentence you to care for this poor child, and raise it as your own. Frollbear: Oh how logical, give the kid to a crackhead murderer! Not that I am either of those... heh heh... Agent: Now, hand over the crack, and be on your way! Herbert throws the bag at the agent and starts to walk away Agent: And perhaps one day, you will learn your lesson and stop trying to destroy the island, and then we will throw a party to celebrate! Herbert: GAH, I HATE PARTIES, YOU FOUL FOWL FOOL! Herbert runs back to his cave with the young crab Agent: I hope you fall off a building someday! *sigh* I may as well dispose of this. *snorts crack* Back in his cave, Herbert examines the crab and determines that he will likely be useless with only one claw. Herbert: Well, this is just great! The PSA is accusing me of murder, I'm stuck with this deformed crab, and to make matters worse, my feet are cold! Grr, I need to think of another way to find heat... Perhaps if I were to black out the sun... Yes, that sounds like an excellent idea! MWAHAHA The crab starts clicking to the tune of Starships Herbert: GAH! Do you want me to cut off that claw? Crab: Click?! Herbert: Now, back to plotting my revenge on those pesky penguins! Crab: Click? Herbert: And who knows, perhaps someday, even this foul creature may yet prove to be of use to me! Crab: Click! *The crab pushes a pile of beakers off of a table, causing an explosion* Herbert: YOU CLUMSY IDIOT!! IF I WASN'T A VEGETARIAN, I'D COOK YOU! Pixie: And Frollbear gave the child a cruel name, a name that means clumsy idiot, Klutzymodo. Now here is a riddle to guess if you can Who is the monster and who is the man? (Is that a trick question?) SING THE BELLS OF NOTR-''' *cough* *cough* I think I just damaged my vocal cords *cough* Okay, seriously, I don't think I can *cough* continue *cough* narrating… *cough* *cough* Someone call a doctor.... Pixie passes out Chapter 2: Out There/In Here 6 years later Klutzymodo is now an adult and uses a crab translator that Herbert stole from Gariwalt Disney, which allows him to speak English. His only friends are three of Herbert's snow minions, Sly, Tank, and Scrap. He is currently starring out the window of Herbert's headquarters, watching the penguins celebrating April Fools Day. A puffle wanders into the HQ Puffle: Squeak? Klutzy: You should leave before Herbert turns you into a mindless minion. Puffle: Squeak! Klutzy: Go, no one deserves to be locked up here forever. *The Puffle hops away* Klutzy: *sigh* Scrap: Hey buddy, waz wrong? Klutzy: Nothing... *walks away* Tank: Grrugh, you no want watch April Foolz Parteh? Klutzy: Nope... Scrap: Hey, d'ya think he's sick or somethin'? Sly: If 6 years of having to put up with you idiots haven't made him sick, nothing will! Scrap: Ooohh, so this jar labeled "Deadly Super Virus, DO NOT OPEN" won't hurt him? *The audience facepalms* Tank: Wait, we haz audience? *Sly sits beside Klutzy, who is playing with his CP figurines* Sly: Soo, what's the matter? I promise I won't tell anyone. Klutzy: *sigh* I wish, just once I could actually see the party up close. Tank: Grugh, Y U NO GO? Klutzy: Master Frollobear would never let me... Scrap: Hey, maybe you should sneak out in disguise! *Scrap holds up a Big Bad Wool costume* Klutzy: I dunno, Herbert would be angry if he found out. Sly: Better to beg forgiveness then to ask permission! Klutzy: You're right! I'm going to march right out that door and- Herbert: And what? Klutzy: Oh, master.. I was just..umm...making a sandwich... Herbert: -_- And who were you talking to? Klutzy: My friends. Herbert: How many times must I tell you? Your friends are made of snow, and everyone knows snow isn't alive. Scrap: Um actually- Herbert: SILENCE! Klutzymodo, shall we work on your alphabet? Klutzy: Yes master. Herbert: A Klutzy: April Fool's Herbert: What? Klutzy: I mean, Abominable... Herbert: You're thinking of going to the party, aren't you? Klutzy: You go every year! Herbert: I am the future leader of Club Penguin, I have to attend, this does not mean I enjoy it. Klutzy: But- Herbert: NO BUTS! *Scrap starts twerking in the background* Herbert: I SAID NO BUTTS!! *Herbert looks at the penguins below* Herbert: This island is cruel, this island is wicked. It's I alone whom you can trust in this whole world, I am your only friend, I who keep you, teach you, feed you, dress you Klutzy: But, I don't wear clothes.... Herbert: I who look upon you without fear, how can I protect you, crab, unless you always stay in here, forever in here Remember what I taught you, Klutzymodo You are deformed Klutzy: I am deformed Herbert: And you are ugly Klutzy: And I a- HEY! Herbert: And these are crimes for which the world shows little pity. Klutzy: Ooohh, so I'm a criminal, yet you're allowed to get away with anything? Ironic... Herbert: You do not comprehend Klutzy: Are you really my friend and defender? Herbert: Out there they'll revile you as a monster Klutzy: I am not a monster Herbert: Out there they will hate you, like Scorn and the Spike of Hike. Klutzy: I don't want to be a monster Herbert: If you really have faith in me, and if you really trust me, You'll stay in here, be faithful to me Klutzy: I'm faithful Herbert: Grateful to me Klutzy: I'm grateful Herbert: Do as I say, Obey And stay IN HERE!!! Klutzy: You are good to me, master. I'm sorry. Herbert: I suppose I can find it in my kind heart to forgive you. But remember, Klutzymodo, this is your sanctuary. *Herbert stomps off to go and plot world domination* Klutzy: My sanctuary? He says I'm safe behind these windows and these fortified iron doors, staring at the penguins down below me, all my life I watch them as I hide up here alone. Hungry for their pizzas and their coffee, all my life I've memorized their faces, Knowing them as they will never know me All my life I wonder how it feels to have just one day, To be like them, and out there, living in the snow Give me one day out there, all I ask is one To hold forever Out there Where they all live unaware What I'd give What I'd dare Just to live one day out there, Out there among the coffee addicts and the bakers and the frostbites, I look out my window and I- *sigh* Why am I wasting time singing? I'M GOING OUT THERE! Snowmen: Have fun! *Kluzy jumps out of the third story window and lands on a conveniently placed trampoline* Tank: U THINK HE BE OK? Sly: He'll be fiiine, I'm sure nothing bad could possibly happen! Scrap: Heh, that's what your mom said! Chapter 3: April Fools Meanwhile, in the Town Center, Commander Charlibus has just returned from a mission on Blisk and is searching for the PSA's headquarters. Charlie: Man, I leave the island for two weeks and everything's different! Wingman: Why's it so dark? I thought it was morning? Charlie: I dunno buddy, but I'm going to find out. *Charlie wanders into a crowd of penguins* Charlie: Um, excuse me, but could someone direct me to the PSA Headquarters? Random prep: Get lost! Pookie: PICK ME! Pookie #2: NO, PICK ME! Pookie #1: I SAW HIM FIRST! *The pookies start fighting and one of them throws a stuffed Herbert doll at Charlie, which explodes on contact with his hat* Charlie: *takes off hat* Thank Rsnail I had this thing bomb-proofed! Wingman: Something is very wrong here. *Charlie is about to waddle away, when he notices a human girl dancing with a group of penguins in front of the Dance Club* *Charlie tosses a handful of coins into her hat, and Hailey runs over to grab them, only to be stopped by two of Herbert's minions* Tusk: Hey, where'd you get the money from, human girl? Hailey: For your information, I earned it! Snowbot: *beep* Hailey: Excuse me? Tusk: He said, gypsies like you don't earn money, they steal it! Hailey: Do I look like a gypsy to you? Tusk: Yep! Hailey: *looks down at her clothes* Oh, umm... maybe this wasn't the best place to cosplay as Esmeralda.... *runs off* Tusk: AFTER HER! Charlie: *grumbles* Not on my watch. WINGMAN! *Wingman jumps at Tusk and Snowbot, knocking them over into a puddle* Snowbot: *beep* Detecting water damage, all systems shut dooown... Charlie: *scoops up Wingman* Sorry about that, he really doesn't like walruses for some reason. Tusk: YOU LITTLE- That was one of our best robots! *Tusk pulls out a knife and points it at Charlie* Charlie: *Pulls out a flamethrower* Are you suure you wanna do that? Tusk: Commander sir, forgive me for not recognising you! The Ultimate Leader Supreme has been waiting for your arrival. Charlie: Ultimate Leader Supreme? Just what the actual is going on here? *Charlie follows Tusk down the street leading to Herbert's HQ* ''Herbert Headquarters''' Herbert: YOU IDIOT, how many times must I tell you? I AM A VEGETARIAN! ''*Herbert tosses a fish dish pizza into the fire* Pizza delivery guy: I'm sorry Mr. Frollobear! Please forgive me! Herbert: I've run out of forgiveness for people like you. Jetbot, take him to The Pit! Pizza guy: NO, PLEASE, NOT INTO THE PIT!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING!! *gets dragged away by Jetbot* Herbert: I really do hate penguins... Charlie: Uhmm.... Herbert: Ah, Commander Charlibus, back from your "Top Secret Mission" I see. Charlie: YOU'RE THE ULTIMATE LEADER SUPREME?! Herbert: Haha, yes, I am. *grins evily at Charlie* Problem? Charlie: N-no.. not at all... Why have you summoned me here? Herbert: Look outside, do you see them? Charlie: All I see is my fellow penguins. Herbert: Yes, yes, but what I see is a bunch of criminals. Charlie: But, they don't appear to be doing anything wrong. Herbert: And that, Commander, is where you would be wrong. For you see, they are all having fun, and we all know that fun is illegal. Charlie: What the hell is going on here? Herbert: What was that? Charlie: Nothing... Herbert: Today is apparently April Fool's Day, a day you penguins consider to be a big deal. To me, it's nothing more than an excuse for needles enjoyment. And that is why, as the Ultimate Leader Supreme, I am working to ban senseless parties once and for all. Charlie: So, where do I come in? Herbert: I need your help for my plan to succeed. You see, I am trying to work with the PSA, but alas, they all seem to despise me for some reason. This is where you come in. Being a high ranking PSA official yourself, I thought perhaps you could convince them to help my cause. Charlie: And if I refuse? *Herbert kicks open a trap door, revealing what appears to be a bottomless pit.* Voice: IT BURNS!!! Charlie: You've made your point quite clear! What must I do? Herbert: Come, we have a party to attend. Meanwhile, at the Plaza *Klutzy sneaks into the crowd, disguised as a sheep, and watches as a crowd of penguins begin to dance around* Penguins: Come one, come all! leave your coffee and your tools, unleash the puffles and the fools, Come one, come all! close the shops and the schools, It's the day for breaking rules, come and join the party of... Rookie: Fools! Once a year we throw a party here in town, once a year we turn all of CP upside down, every penguin's a king and every king's a clown, *A clown chases Rookie down the street* Rookie: AHHHHHHH, I HATE CLOWNS! Rookie: Once again it's topsy turvy day, it's the day the fool in us gets released, it's the day we mock the bears and shock the sheep! *Rookie tosses Klutzy into the air* Everything is topsy turvy at the party of fools! Topsy turvy! everything is upsy daysy, Topsy turvy! everyone is acting crazy, coffee is cheese and tea is cake, that's the way on topsy turvy day! Klutzy gets thrown into a tent, where Hailey is preparing for her show* Hailey: HEY! Can't I get any privacy around here? Klutzy: Oh, I'm so sorry! Hailey: Hey, are you okay? Klutzy: Yeah, I-I'm fine. Hailey: Nice costume, by the way! Rookie: Topsy turvy! Beat the drums and blow the trumpets, Topsy turvy! Join the bugs, and fish eating crumpets! Streaming in from The Town to The Forest, Scary clowns are extra scary, on the first of April merry, all because it's topsy turvy day! Come one, come all! Hurry, hurry here's your chance, see the mystery and romance, come one, come all! See the only human in CP, Uh, I really have to pee! I'll be in Puffles' bathroom while she dances, Dance! Hailey steps onto the stage Herbert: I think I must be dreaming, Charlibus, pinch me! Charlie pinches Herbert's arm Herbert: OWWW! YOU IDIOT, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY PINCH ME! Rookie: What are ya waiting for? DANCE! Hailey: Oh alright, but I am NOT going to pole dance. *Hailey twirls around the stage, and purposely kicks off one of her shoes, which hits Herbert in the head* Herbert: OWW! I never knew love hurt so much.. Rookie: Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for, Here it is, you know exactly what's in store, now's the time we laugh until our sides get sore, now's the time we crown the King of Fools! So make a face that's horrible and frightening, Make a face as gruesome as Sasquatch's..uh..face... Sasquatch: HEY! Rookie: For the face that's ugliest will be the King of Fools! Topsy turvy! Ugly folks, forget your shyness Topsy turvy! You could soon be called Your Highness Put your foulest features on display Be the king of topsy turvy day! *Rookie pulls a coffee cup off of Gary's head* Penguins: BOOO! *Gary is thrown off the stage, along with the other contestants* *Rookie trys to pull Klutzy's crab disguise off, only to relize that it's not a disguise* Rookie: Oh look, he really was a crab after all! Herbert: *gasps* Lady: *screams* I HATE CRABS! Everyone: EWWW, GET RID OF IT!! Klutzy: Click? Rookie: Everybody! Once a year we throw a party here in The Town, hail to the king, once a year we turn all CP upside down Oh, what a king! Once a year the crabbiest will wear a crown, girls, give a kiss! Once a year on topsy turvy day, We've never had a king like this! And it's the day we do the things that we deplore, on the other three hundred and sixty-four, once a year we love to drop in, where the fun is never stoppin' for the chance to pop some popping corn, and pick a king who'll put the top, In Topsy Turvy Day! Topsy turvy Mad and crazy, upsy daysy, IT'S APRIL FOOLS DAY!! Klutzy: Click?! Tusk: Y'all think he's crabby now? Watch this! *throws a tomato at Klutzy* Klutzy: HEY! *The crowd cheers* *Everyone starts pelting Klutzy with vegetables* Klutzy: MASTER, HELP! Charlie: Um, Frollobear, aren't you going to do something? Herbert: In a minute, he needs to learn a lesson. *Hailey climbs onto the stage and walks over to Klutzy* Hailey: I'm sorry about this, let me help you. Herbert: GET OFF THE STAGE! *Hailey helps the crab to his feet* Hailey: JUSTICE! Herbert: How dare you! Hailey: You speak of justice, yet you allow this poor creature to be tortured. The only fool here today is YOU! *throws Rookie's hat at Herbert's head* Herbert: I still love you Charlie: Uhmm... Herbert: Ahem, I mean, GET HER! I want her alive! ''*Hailey runs off, prompting an epic chase scene that ends with her throwing an axe at Herbert's chair, knocking him over into a pile of puffle manure, in the commotion, she slips into the PSA HQ* Herbert: Grrrr. Klutzy: I, am so sorry master. Herbert: GET INSIDE, NOW!!! Klutzy crawls into the PSA HQ Chapter 4: Rsnail Help The Outcasts Inside the HQ, Hailey stands, looking up at a statue of Rsnail, when she feels a flipper on her back, she turns around to see Charlie standing behind her. Charlie: Well, well, well, fancy meeting you here. Hailey: Get away from me you son of a- Charlie: Watch it, this is a kids game! Hailey: You're here to arrest me, aren't you? Charlie: Actually no, I just wanted to speak with you. Charlie: You can call me Charlie, my real name is Charlibus, but if you ever call me that, I'll hurt you with a brick. Hailey: .... Charlie: Soo, what's your name? Hailey: …… Charlie: Oh c'mon, if I wanted to arrest you, I'd have done it already. Hailey: *sighs* It's Hailey. Charlie: That's a nice name, much better than Charlibus anyway… Hailey: So, what do you want? Charlie: Well, I- Suddenly, Herbert and several of his minions burst in Herbert: Commander Charlibus, arrest this human girl! Charlie: *whispering* He can't arrest you in here, the PSA HQ is a safe place. Hailey: Orlly? Charlie: Just play along with it. Crickets chirp Herbert: CHARLIBUS! Charlie: Uh, I can't arrest her, because according to section 507 of Club Penguin law, it's illegal to arrest someone within the PSA HQ...... Herbert: Well, then drag her outside! A figure steps out of the shadows Pixie: Herbert P. Frollobear, I suggest you get out of my HQ before I have to call the security guards. Herbert: Make me! Pixie whistles and two penguins step up beside Herbert and start to drag him towards the door, Herbert breaks free and runs over to Hailey, he grabs her shoulders and whispers in her ear Herbert: You will be mine yet, human girl... Hailey: EW, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PEDO! The security guards drag Herbert away Herbert: You may have escaped me this time, but not for long, because this HQ will be your prison, and we all know that humans don't do well in buildings built for penguins. Hailey: *sigh* Hey, uh... Director, do you think you could help me out of here? Pixie: You caused quite a stir out there, perhaps you should wait here for a few days. An explosion can be heard somewhere on the other side of the building Gary: *yelling* GREAT SCOTT THE CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN IS ON FIRE AGAIN! Pixie: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to see just how much damage my husband's latest invention has caused. Good bye for now. Pixie leaves I'll finish this chapter tomorrow because 1: I need to watch this part of the movie again and 2: I'm to tired to write. Well, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and write a nice comment, or an insulting comment, I don't really care. JUST WRITE A COMMENT! Or I'll send Herbert Pedo Frollbear to your house! Category:Blog posts